"Literally"
From dictionary.com:
Literal- true to fact; not exaggerated; actual or factual
Living- having life; being alive; not dead
Sometime in the past decade the word "literally" became popular, the overuse and misuse a source of irritation for folks like me with grammarphile-ish tendencies. But it got me thinking.
Walking my dogs one day it occurred to me that at times in my life, I was literally living. I was not dead. But I had no joy, no hope. I was in survival mode.
Then there's living literally. The first time I heard the word "literally" was as a child. Sometimes my mom would shake her head, with a tired smile, and say, "Jen, you take everything so literally!" I didn't know what that meant but it didn't seem like a good time to ask. It wasn't until my son was diagnosed with autism that I realized my difficulty understanding metaphors and recognizing when people were joking could be a characteristic of ASD.
Living literally, in the sense of not understanding nuance, is difficult. It often feels like being on the outside looking in. Parenting a child with ASD on the more severe end of the spectrum is also isolating. It feels like living parallel to others but not really in the same world, as if a pane of glass separates my son and me from the rest of the world.
Although it's been lonely, on my side of the glass I've gained perspective. My son has the purest heart. He knows no guile. He loves completely and unconditionally. He judges no one. We celebrated developmental milestones in his teens and twenties that other families celebrate in the toddler years - and those victories were all the more sweet. Sometimes I grieve for things I feel he's missed--sleepovers, proms, a driver's license--but he's not grieving. He enjoys the simple beauty of life. He is captivated by music, from pop to classical to to reggae to country. He has as much fun with a can of shaving cream or bottle of bubbles as other guys his age might have with a trendy video game. He has been my inspiration and drive to survive the most difficult challenges of my life.
If you're literally living, if you're in survival mode right now, know that you can and will get through to better days. Be kind to yourself. Remember you're doing your best, and your best is good enough. Sleep when you can, get outside when you can. Recognize that today may not be a great day but tomorrow has new promise. I wish for you inspiration, purpose, and hope. Never give up.